Covid – To See What I See

In keeping with my promise to myself that I was going to be more of an online presence, I was trying to think of something to write about today and it was hard. I usually like to keep things upbeat, happy when I blog. My poems are another matter, but writing down my thoughts I try to keep at least somewhat cheerfully. Today nothing is coming to mind that’s anywhere near upbeat, happy or cheerful. It’s all darkness, and that’s a bit more scary to unleash upon others. It’s towards the end of a hectic exhausting school year, we are starting our thirteenth month of COVID mind-numbing madness, spring as sprung and, while it is a beautiful season, it’s not my favorite due to allergies and potential migraines. The bottom line is, I’m just plain exhausted. Anybody else?

Okay. Here it goes. This morning I started out with some pretty ugly thoughts in my head. Not about anyone else, but about myself. Thoughts that drag me down as a person, a writer. As someone others want to get to know or be around. This tells me something in my life needs to change. I’m not sure exactly what, but what I did know was my inner monologue was my writer’s imagination drifting to the dark side. Taking random thoughts or observations and spinning them into something that is not entirely true. At least not to the extent they whispered to me this morning. When tears threatened, I finally told myself that I needed to stop. That none of it was true. It was just my overactive imagination trying to bring me down. Then I tried to figure out why I was in the mindset I was in.

Part of it, I think, is I work in a building full of people, but because of restrictions and rules I don’t get to talk to those people like I used to. We are all sequestered in out little areas, keeping contact to a minimum, only really talking when we see each other briefly by email or in the hall, and then usually about the student we work with. All the time in the back of our minds thinking, are we six feet apart? Have we been together longer than fifteen minutes? When can we finally take these damn masks off? There are no lunches together, no real time to just relax around each other. It’s all very isolating, and why I like my alone time, lately it has become overwhelming.

I’m not someone who believes that COVID is all a big lie. That it’s a conspiracy the government has concocted to take over control of us all. I know too many people in other countries that are in the same boat we are. Lockdowns, keeping apart, masks. Some are more strict than others, but it’s out there. EVERYWHERE. As far as the masks, I do believe they work. I’ve been fully exposed to COVID, but we were wearing our masks and most of the time, not all of it, keeping our distance. I know that is what saved me from catching it. But back to my head and it’s dark thoughts.

Tomorrow there will be a change in my routine. I can finally be in a classroom with other kids. (Shots, immunity issues. That is about all I can say with the confidentiality clauses in place.) I don’t mind being in my little room, but I think it’s starting to really get to me. The change of pace, more than just me or my student in the same room (albeit six feet apart) will be nice.

I also think I need a vacation. I don’t mean a weekend somewhere we drive to. We’ve done that over this last year. I mean, get on a plane and GO somewhere that is not…here. We are doing this next month. My niece is having her wedding reception in Michigan and we have the plane tickets. Four days of not being here. I can’t wait! This Saturday is the bridal shower which I will attend via Zoom. It will still be fun because I will get to see people I haven’t seen in a long time. We also are going to celebrate Mother’s day with my family. We are all vaccinated and it will be the first time we have all gotten together since March 2020. We have a few birthdays to celebrate, too.

So while the thoughts were dark this morning, they have become better as the day has gone on. There are other things I could do that I’ve been putting off, like losing weight, getting into shape. I can get outside more and work in the garden. Yes, it rains this time of year in Washington State, a lot, and it won’t help the allergies, but it will not be inside letting my head get the better of me. Writing this out has helped too. Another thing I should start doing again. Putting the pen to paper.

I hope you are staying safe, that you, too, can soon go somewhere that is not here, and have a wonderful rest of your week.

Heidi

As some of you know, I am a Para-Educator. What that is is a teacher’s assistance of sorts. I help students who need that little bit of extra assistance. Some need more than others. Some just need a person that is paying attention to what they are doing and redirect them in to a direction that won’t lead to a visit to the principal’s office. While at time it can be exhausting and down right dangerous, it can also be rewarding when that student you’ve been helping out reaches that next level of learning, or figures out on their own to follow the path that doesn’t lead to the often embarrassing and frustrating visit followed by a call to the parental unit.

One of the perks of being a Para at the high school level is being able to take, along with your student, classes that you might not have had in your school or have always wanted to take. This year I have had the opportunity to take Digital Photography, Spanish and Social Media Marketing. While my Spanish is…well…we won’t get into just how loooong ago I took Spanish in high school and say it’s a bit rusty. Digital Photography was a blast and I now have Photoshop Elements on my home computer and can actually use some of the expert level features.

At the moment we are in Social Media Marketing. Today we started looking into blogging. For the kids I work with I pulled up this site and had to frown at what needed to be updated and fixed. It made me realize just how far down the work/housework/yardwork/plain exhausted/COVID rabbit hole I have gone. It seems when I get home I have no brain cells left to do any writing, or even think about writing. The characters in my head have been complaining they have things to say, places to go, people to save; yet when I sit down to write I get silence. Or a half hearted attempt at telling me something that won’t work in the part of the story I am currently writing. I think deep down, they too are a little brain dead.

We have seven and a half more weeks of school left. Seven and a half more weeks to survive the crazy schedule of hybrid/online learning we have been navigating this year. Seven and a half more weeks when my brain can maybe breath a sigh of relief and relax enough to start thinking about what is to come next for my heroine, hero and their band of merry if slightly broken immortals. Until then, I am going to try and be more present here. Whether it’s gardening, writing or just plain speaking what’s on my mind.

Until then, and even afterwards, stay safe and have a wonderful afternoon.

Heidi

To See What I See

Tag: Covid

Thoughts that Wander to the Darkside

Being More Present – Blog