Thoughts that Wander to the Darkside

In keeping with my promise to myself that I was going to be more of an online presence, I was trying to think of something to write about today and it was hard. I usually like to keep things upbeat, happy when I blog. My poems are another matter, but writing down my thoughts I try to keep at least somewhat cheerfully. Today nothing is coming to mind that’s anywhere near upbeat, happy or cheerful. It’s all darkness, and that’s a bit more scary to unleash upon others. It’s towards the end of a hectic exhausting school year, we are starting our thirteenth month of COVID mind-numbing madness, spring as sprung and, while it is a beautiful season, it’s not my favorite due to allergies and potential migraines. The bottom line is, I’m just plain exhausted. Anybody else?

Okay. Here it goes. This morning I started out with some pretty ugly thoughts in my head. Not about anyone else, but about myself. Thoughts that drag me down as a person, a writer. As someone others want to get to know or be around. This tells me something in my life needs to change. I’m not sure exactly what, but what I did know was my inner monologue was my writer’s imagination drifting to the dark side. Taking random thoughts or observations and spinning them into something that is not entirely true. At least not to the extent they whispered to me this morning. When tears threatened, I finally told myself that I needed to stop. That none of it was true. It was just my overactive imagination trying to bring me down. Then I tried to figure out why I was in the mindset I was in.

Part of it, I think, is I work in a building full of people, but because of restrictions and rules I don’t get to talk to those people like I used to. We are all sequestered in out little areas, keeping contact to a minimum, only really talking when we see each other briefly by email or in the hall, and then usually about the student we work with. All the time in the back of our minds thinking, are we six feet apart? Have we been together longer than fifteen minutes? When can we finally take these damn masks off? There are no lunches together, no real time to just relax around each other. It’s all very isolating, and why I like my alone time, lately it has become overwhelming.

I’m not someone who believes that COVID is all a big lie. That it’s a conspiracy the government has concocted to take over control of us all. I know too many people in other countries that are in the same boat we are. Lockdowns, keeping apart, masks. Some are more strict than others, but it’s out there. EVERYWHERE. As far as the masks, I do believe they work. I’ve been fully exposed to COVID, but we were wearing our masks and most of the time, not all of it, keeping our distance. I know that is what saved me from catching it. But back to my head and it’s dark thoughts.

Tomorrow there will be a change in my routine. I can finally be in a classroom with other kids. (Shots, immunity issues. That is about all I can say with the confidentiality clauses in place.) I don’t mind being in my little room, but I think it’s starting to really get to me. The change of pace, more than just me or my student in the same room (albeit six feet apart) will be nice.

I also think I need a vacation. I don’t mean a weekend somewhere we drive to. We’ve done that over this last year. I mean, get on a plane and GO somewhere that is not…here. We are doing this next month. My niece is having her wedding reception in Michigan and we have the plane tickets. Four days of not being here. I can’t wait! This Saturday is the bridal shower which I will attend via Zoom. It will still be fun because I will get to see people I haven’t seen in a long time. We also are going to celebrate Mother’s day with my family. We are all vaccinated and it will be the first time we have all gotten together since March 2020. We have a few birthdays to celebrate, too.

So while the thoughts were dark this morning, they have become better as the day has gone on. There are other things I could do that I’ve been putting off, like losing weight, getting into shape. I can get outside more and work in the garden. Yes, it rains this time of year in Washington State, a lot, and it won’t help the allergies, but it will not be inside letting my head get the better of me. Writing this out has helped too. Another thing I should start doing again. Putting the pen to paper.

I hope you are staying safe, that you, too, can soon go somewhere that is not here, and have a wonderful rest of your week.

Heidi

© Copyright 2021

Being More Present – Blog

As some of you know, I am a Para-Educator. What that is is a teacher’s assistance of sorts. I help students who need that little bit of extra assistance. Some need more than others. Some just need a person that is paying attention to what they are doing and redirect them in to a direction that won’t lead to a visit to the principal’s office. While at time it can be exhausting and down right dangerous, it can also be rewarding when that student you’ve been helping out reaches that next level of learning, or figures out on their own to follow the path that doesn’t lead to the often embarrassing and frustrating visit followed by a call to the parental unit.

One of the perks of being a Para at the high school level is being able to take, along with your student, classes that you might not have had in your school or have always wanted to take. This year I have had the opportunity to take Digital Photography, Spanish and Social Media Marketing. While my Spanish is…well…we won’t get into just how loooong ago I took Spanish in high school and say it’s a bit rusty. Digital Photography was a blast and I now have Photoshop Elements on my home computer and can actually use some of the expert level features.

At the moment we are in Social Media Marketing. Today we started looking into blogging. For the kids I work with I pulled up this site and had to frown at what needed to be updated and fixed. It made me realize just how far down the work/housework/yardwork/plain exhausted/COVID rabbit hole I have gone. It seems when I get home I have no brain cells left to do any writing, or even think about writing. The characters in my head have been complaining they have things to say, places to go, people to save; yet when I sit down to write I get silence. Or a half hearted attempt at telling me something that won’t work in the part of the story I am currently writing. I think deep down, they too are a little brain dead.

We have seven and a half more weeks of school left. Seven and a half more weeks to survive the crazy schedule of hybrid/online learning we have been navigating this year. Seven and a half more weeks when my brain can maybe breath a sigh of relief and relax enough to start thinking about what is to come next for my heroine, hero and their band of merry if slightly broken immortals. Until then, I am going to try and be more present here. Whether it’s gardening, writing or just plain speaking what’s on my mind.

Until then, and even afterwards, stay safe and have a wonderful afternoon.

Heidi

Copyright © 2021

I Don’t Understand

I don’t understand
why people hate so easily.
I don’t understand
why we can’t get along.
I understand
people are different.
Different colors
different cultures
different beliefs.
I understand
some people do not like different.
Do not like the unknown
do not like change.
I don’t understand
why we hate so easily.
I think many truly do not understand
what hate is.
When I was young, I used the word hate freely.
I hate the color pink…
I hate when it’s too hot…
I hate Brussel sprouts…
I hate…you.
Until…
One glace
from eyes the blue of midnight skies.
One word
falsely uttered with the innocence of a newborn lamb.
One quirk from lips
which truth is as foreign as the deepest parts of space.
Such small simple gestures
sent a tidal wave of rage so strong
my knees threaten to cave.
My site dimmed
covered with the hazy red from the deepest pits
of hell.
My body trembled as if the earth itself
shook with my rage.
My voice squeezed down, down, down
until a hoarse whisper was my only sound.
Those around me did not understand.
Those around me did not see
the man who had destroyed so many lives.
Who had wrote misery and grief
death and chaos
most of all, fear
so he remained free.
Only then did I truly understand
the word hate.
How I had used the word in haste.
In disregard for the power
that single word held.
Now
I dislike pink.
I prefer a warm breeze to the hot sun.
As for Brussels sprouts…well
the word hate may still pertain
or at least a strong gag inducing distaste.
Most of all
I do not hate you.
Not for your differences,
not for your beliefs,
not because your way of seeing things is unusual
to what others may think as the straight and narrow.
I am willing to learn
what I don’t understand
because hate is a word, an emotion
I only reserve
for those people, places or things
that have truly earned the label of
hate.

© Copywrite 2021 Heidi Barnes

Sweet Words Devil’s Work

I ask you
why do you persist?
I ask you
Why do you resist?

You tell me
this is my choice by right
You tell me
this is my soul’s plight

I wonder
do you see the truth
I wonder
does ignorance bleed youth

You follow
walking blindly into darkness
You follow
walking where evil harkens

I see
the danger ahead
I see
the traps they set

You don’t hear
evil’s lies
You don’t hear
angel’s cries

Evil dressed as good
is still evil under the hood
Be careful of sweet words
that pull you into the devils work.

© Copywrite 2021 Heidi Barnes

Spring has Sprung

Spring as sprung

the birds chirp

the frogs burp

Spring has sprung

the grass needs mowing

the weeds are growing…..

Spring has sprung

the sky is blue

the flowers bloom

Spring has sprung

the mood is lite

words at last take flight

© Copywrite 2021 Heidi Barnes

Someone Dies Tonight

Witches scream
fires bright
someone will die tonight.
Chaos reigns
while demons play
there is only one god tonight.
Devil spawn
chant deep magic
as shadows stretch in firelight
dark secrets revealed,
someone will die tonight
Struggling, pleading
deaf ears it falls
Crying out to a god
with words they were taught
who seems to care naught.
You are naïve,
they say
You have hope where hope is no more,
they say.
Give in
give him
your undying devotion
your hope
your soul.
Give him everything you are
you were
will be,
no one will die tonight.
One last chance
one last phrase,
no one will die tonight.
Silence ensues
breath held tight,
cracking flame breaks the night
With one last word
one last phrase,
someone died tonight.

© 2021 Heidi Barnes

Secret Dreams

One step
long, silky
black as night.
All eyes turn
breath stills.
Eyes hooded,
blood red lips
smile.
She is night
She is desire
She is all men’s dreams
deep in the darkness
where secrets lie
waiting for a spark
to set them afire.
Slight shift,
tongues slowly slide
wetting lips
suddenly dry.
Full of possibilities
unknown danger.
Who will fall
prey to a strangers
desire.

Open Your Eyes

I try.
Every day,
I try.
Yet,
it’s never enough.
I see what I want,
feel the rush of love
a warmth that envelops me
soothes me
lifts me.
Yet,
I cannot reach you.
Don’t you feel it too?
Can’t you see
all I want is for you to feel
what I know is true
what is real.
Fly with me.
All you have to do is
open your eyes and
see.

© 2021 Heidi Barnes