Looking back there are times when I ask myself, what if. What if I went left instead of right? What if I had had the courage to say yes instead of no? What if I had taken that last step instead of hesitating, only to watch opportunity slip out of my reach? What if I had just kept my mouth shut.
What might have been if I had made different choices?
We could ‘what if’ ourselves to death, but I think the question you should ask yourself is would I be the same person I am today? I think we are here for a reason. It could be small. Something that affects one decision for one person that may lead to something bigger. Ir it may be something world changing. Something that affects each and every one if us.
We may never know the what might have been. We do know the now, and for better or worse we should make the best of what is.
Sleep. What a wonderful idea. I just wish I could. It had been a long time since I’ve been able to turn my mind off. Around and around on problems that there was nothing I could do anything about. I can’t speak on them, act on them, ignore them. Oh, trust me. I’ve tried. I walked away, been told it was none of my business and to stay out of it. Yet here I was. Standing in the one place I shouldn’t be, contemplating sleep that I knew would never come. Not while the bane of my exsitance was not more than ten feet away on the other side of the wall.
Sighing, I drop my bag on the floor at my feet with a loud thump and rub my face with my hands. What am I doing? It was not the first time I’ve ask this question. Probably won’t be the last. Not until this nightmare was over.
Walking to the bed I sat down heavily on the end. Well, there wasn’t much I could do tonight. Everyone had gone to bed long ago. Only Christian had been awake because he was the only one who knew I was coming, otherwise I would probably be at some hotel. Not a bad idea really, but saying no to the seven year old had been hard if not impossible. I could still see the puppy dog eyes staring at me over the screen as he pleaded with me to help him.
I looked at the wall that seperated me from the catastrophe waiting to happen. I hope Christian was right and the person on the other side was ready to talk. Better yet, listen. Otherwise this would be all for nothing, because if this didn’t work I was washing my hands of the whole mess.
Flopping back on the bed, I knew a lie when I heard one. I should. I was the best of the best when it came to lying. Ask anyone. Yeah, with what waited for me when the sun came up sleep would be an elusive bitch. Might as well unpack. It was going to be a long night.
I seem to be on a role with these writing prompts tonight. Not sure what is so special about tonight, but I’ll see how long it lasts. This writing was based on Writing Outside the Lines writing prompt #48. It was also written on my phone. I tried to catch all the typing errors, but I apologize if I missed any.
Follow the light, they always say. But what if you don’t want to follow the light? What if you don’t want to have your past played out before you one last time? Trust me. It wasn’t that spectacular the first time through. God only knows I made some horrendous mistakes I was still beating myself up paying for, so why go through it with him again? Or maybe I’m heading down and I will finally answer for my sins. There’s a thought that wasn’t comforting.
Yet the better question was, how did I get here in the first place?
Last thing I remember was walking through the wood and hearing a twig snap. Then it was a whirlwind of crashing, yelling – me – more crashing then…nothing. There wasn’t even any pain. If I was at heaven’s, or hell’s, gate, shouldn’t there have been pain of some sort? One would think so.
The light grew brighter but I refused to acknowledge it. Nope. Not going to look at it, follow it, and I’m sure as hell not going into it. Unfortunately, all I could move was my eyelids. Everything else seemed to be frozen.
“Don’t more, Mr. Green,” a female voice soothed. “It will all be over soon.”
What will be over soon? Where the hell was I? Opening my eyes I tried to get them to focus but the light proved too bright.
“Here,” the woman said kindly.
Suddenly the light was dimmed and I could see my surroundings. Or at least the ceiling, which was white and filled with lights you might see in an operating room. I wouldn’t know for sure because I had never been in an operating room, only had seen them on T.V.
I tried to ask where I was, but it only came out a croak. Swallowing in an attempt to put some moisture into my cotton filled mouth I tried again. “Where am I?” I rasped.
“That would be hard to explain,” the woman answered hesitantly from my right.
Blinking and trying swallowing again, I said with as much command as I could put in my voice, “Try.”
There was a few moments of silence before she finally said, “Maybe it would be better just to show you.”
Show me what? Now I was really beginning to worry. As I listened to her move around the room, I suddenly could hear the sounds around me. Beeping and whirring of machinery. Faint voices whispering somewhere above me in a language I did not understand. The sounds of footsteps as people moved around what seemed like a very large room, and still I could not move. What was more confusing was I should have understood them. I was walking in the Olympic Mountains in Washington State. If I was in a hospital nearby they should speak the same language as I did.
Suddenly my limbs felt lighter.
“There,” the woman said cheerfully. “You can now move, Mr. Green. Please be careful though. You still haven’t quite recovered from the procedure.”
Procedure? I started to sit up quickly and realized what she meant. The world took a spin around me and I almost fell off the table I was laying on. Strong hands caught me and held me in place until it stopped.
“I’m good,” I murmured, nodding my head I had it. Those hands slowly let go, probably afraid I would still fall. Swinging my legs around so they dangled over the edge, I slowly righted myself. Taking a few moments to make sure I would stay in place, my hands on either side of me gripping the table, my head bowed, I finally decided opening my eyes would be all right. When I did, I wish I hadn’t.
There could have been armed men ready to shoot me, a volcano exploding, my guts hanging out I would not have noticed, because what was in front of me took all my attention and held it fast. Before me was a smooth white wall with huge picture window. Outside was darkness streaked with white lights. There was only one explanation and I did not want to believe it until I had more proof. Gingerly slipping off the table, I stumbled to the window until my hand rested on the cold surface, my eyes never leaving what I was not coming to realize was true.
Do you truely hate me that much?
Is there anyone safe from your wrath?
You chose your path.
Do not blame me
if the outcome is not what
you thought it would be.
I warned you of the consequences.
Now all you have left
is to live with them.
Take your fury,
your vengeance,
and leave here.
Never darken my doorway
again,
or the pain you feel now
will be nothing compared
to the agony you will endure
if I or any if my clan
lays eyes on you
again.
You are dead to me.
Leave or feel my wrath,
and know what true vengeance
is.
There is a story to be told, hidden amongst the endless blue of the morning sky. Waiting patiently to be revealed as the sun decends and the moon’s light wains upon the hills. Secrets held until the time is right, words to be spoken whether we want to hear them or not. Are you ready for the truth, or would you like to hide from reality a little longer? The choice maybe yours…or not. For the only choice we have is no choice at all, because, in the end, fate is a fickle bitch.
As I sat there I wondered not for the first time why I put up with all the drama. How easy would it be just to walk out and never look back? Unfortunately I was neither that brave, or that stupid. Still, the audacity of some people astounded me. It’s as if I’m invisible. Do they not realize that I can see and hear everything? Maybe that was the point. Because I was invisible to those around me I heard things that normally someone would not hear. Secrets thought kept safe. If I were a different person, I suppose I could use those secrets to higher my position in the world. But then could I live with myself? Truthfully? I don’t know. I guess it wpuld depwnd on the situation and the information provided unknowingly. So I listen, invisible to everyone around me, and wait. For what, only time will tell.
It was less than a second, maybe half a second, but it changed everything. I don’t know how to explain it. It happened so fast and at the same time it took forever. It was almost like magic, but not in a good sort of way.
I was reaching for the coffee and there was a noise. Just a small noise, but it was enough to catch my attention so I turned to see what it was, and there it stood. Small and furry, the mouse sat on the shelf staring at me as if it was contemplating the meaning of life. I suppose it was. I had never seen a mouse like this. The white fur was dotted with brown splotches, much like a pinto pony. And the ears were not so much round as they were shaped like a spade. The tail was swishing back and forth along the metal shelf, slowly, almost hypnotizing. Like a cat who was ready to pounce, using its tail as a countdown to the final lunge. But those eyes. There was too much intelligence in those eyes for a small mouse.
Slowly lowering my hand, I kept my eyes on the creature as I stepped away from the shelves. Looking away seemed like not a very good idea. Part of me thought it would disappear in a cloud of smoke, another part of me prayed it would. But it stayed on that shelf, its eyes following me, its tail slowly swishing back and forth.
Then it jumped.
With a little scream, I slammed into the shelves behind me, knocking boxes and cans off that crashed to the floor. Before my unbelieving eyes as the mouse fell it began to grow. Those small little legs stretching to the floor, the little nose elongating, the eyes growing, the ears and tail lengthening. When the hooves hit the tile floor with a clatter, yes hooves, a pinto pony stood before me. My hand to my chest as I gulped in air, desperately trying to calm my pounding heart, I stared into those large brown eyes and saw the same intelligence that the mouse had.
How? Why? What the hell?
The now horse stood proud and strong, its eyes never wavering from me, its ears stock still as its tail swished slowly back and forth as it did before when it was a mouse. Suddenly I realized it wanted something from me. What that was I had no idea. So we stared at each other, neither one moving except for me gasping for air and that damn tail swishing back and forth, back and forth.
Realizing that the thing did not mean me any harm, I slowly relaxed. Gently pushing myself from the shelves, a few more boxes falling behind me the only noise in the building that seemed as loud as boulders crashing down a mountainside, I stood on my own two feet. Unsure I would not be bitten; I reached out to the nose of the horse and placed my hand before the nose, a gesture of peace. Snorting, it nuzzled my hand. I grew bolder, running my hand up its nose to its ears. When it turned its head, pushing my hand, I smiled and obliged by scratching behind the ears.
“What do you want from me,” I mused.
Nickering, it shook its head and looked at its back.
“You want me to ride you?”
The vigorous nodding told me yes.
“I see,” I replied none too sure.
When it stomped its foot and snorted, I decided it was not going to take no for an answer. Looking down one side of the isle then the other, I realized that we were alone. That was strange since the parking lot of the store was completely full when I arrived. The pony snorted again.
“Impatient, aren’t we.”
Butting me with its head, it snorted again, this time stamping its foot on the tile floor.
“I must be mad,” I muttered shaking my head.
Taking a deep breath, I moved down the horse and took a hold of its main. After a quick thought, I bent down to see which sex the horse was.
“Male, huh. Explains the impatient part.” I could have sworn he rolled his eyes. “I don’t have to go with you, you know,” I snapped.
The look that horse gave me told me that I really had no choice in the matter, and to get on.
“Fine,” I sighed irritably.
With the ease of someone who had lived around horses all her life, I jumped onto his back. Once I was settled I asked, “Now what?”
It was a question that would forever haunt me, because what happened in that next second changed my life forever.
You wake up in a field with this note on your chest. Tell the story…
A dream? Was that what it was? A dream? How can a dream seem so real?
Glancing around the field not for the first time I wondered how I got here. The last thing I remember was walking through the woods on my way home. I had been told many times not to walk there because of the legends. For years people would walk in only to reemerge years later. There was the next question. What year was it? I glanced down at the paper I clutched in my hand. “Come now, Alice. It’s only a dream.” Only a dream. Did that mean what had happened before I ended up in this field, or what was happening now? And what or who was Alice? All questions that would only be answered, I suppose, if I tried to figure out what the hell had happened.
Sighing, I pushed myself to my feet. First thing first, was I in one piece? Nothing seemed to be broken. I wasn’t bleeding anywhere. The only thing that hurt was my head, which was pounding like a freight train was running through it. Shading my eyes, I looked up at the blue sky and the blazing sun that was doing nothing to relieve my headache. Now I was higher, I could see that the field I was in was surrounded by a forest. Behind the trees was a ring of mountains with jagged peaks covered in snow. I turned, following the high peaks with my eyes trying to find a possible escape. When I found none my panic started to set in. A long mournful howl sent it in over-drive. Great. Wolves.
Stuffing the paper the back pocket of my jeans, I decided that the middle of a field was not the best place to be. I needed to find cover before the wolves found me, unless it was too late. Before I could move, a very large shadow moved over me. Since there had been no clouds in the sky when I last looked, that could only mean something very large had just flown over. Not really wanting to look yet unable to stop myself, I looked up into the sky. Aside from the sun it was empty. Shaking my head at my own overactive imagination, I began to jog towards the wood. I was halfway there when the shadow once again passed by. The grass around me flatten and my hair whipped around my head as a gust of wind almost knocked me over. Okay, overactive imagination was one thing, but that was too much. This time I did not look up, I just ran faster. I wanted the cover of the trees before I stopped to see what it was that was taunting me.
Once I was in the tree line, I took a moment to catch my breath. Once I was able to stand up straight, I took a deep breath for courage and turned to look back in the field. It was as empty as I had left it. Frowning, I carefully moved to the tree that was closest and looked up in the sky. Once again it was empty. “It’s only a dream.” Well, if this was a dream I did not like it. Hopefully I would wake up before something ate me.
Another howl filled the air followed by a second. Great. They were calling in reinforcements. I needed to find shelter and build a fire so I would have some sort of weapon against the wolves. I turned to make my way deeper in the woods.
The wolves are not your greatest adversary here, a voice rumbled through my head.
I froze.
Suddenly the trees around me began to creak, threatening to snap in two as another gust bombarded me. Grabbing my head, I crouched down, trying to make myself a smaller target for anything that might fall from the sky. When the wind stopped, I slowly lifted my head. Again I was alone, but I had had enough. Something else besides the wolves was here, and it was big. Very big. Time to stop dawdling and run. Before I could take a step there was a loud thud that shook the ground. Putting out my hands for balance, I tried to keep my feet. Once the shaking stopped, I waited for it to begin again. Once I realized the earthquake was over, I took a step.
Little human, do you really think you can hide from me? the voice rumbled through my head again. Apparently the idea amused whoever it was because I could hear laughter in its voice. I wasn’t sure what worried me more. The fact I was hearing voices, or that it called me human.
“Who are you?” I whispered out loud.
The voice chuckled in my head. Why don’t you turn around and find out? it smirked.
The one thing that irritated me the most was when someone was laughing at me. I had never done well with it as a child, and as a young adult I was even worse. All my life my classmates had made fun of me because I was different. I could see and do things that they could never understand because they were ‘normal’. Where there were times I wished I were normal, the ability to hear other peoples’ thoughts, see their intentions, had saved my ass more than once. Aside from my parents, there was only one person I trusted with all my secrets and that is because he came to my rescue more than once. Unfortunately, John was not here this time. This time I was on my own.
You are never alone, little human. You will always have those who will protect you with their lives. Except for maybe now, the voice mused. This time you must prove yourself to me.
”And who are you?” I asked not really sure I wanted to know.
Turn around and find out, the amusement back.
Closing my eyes and tightly fisting my hands, I did my best to pull back my fear. I was not helpless. I had my ability and years of training. I knew there were those who wanted me and had prepared to fight back with everything I had. I just had thought John would be with me. He always had in the past.
The past is the past. This is the present. Turn around and face your fate or run like the coward we believe you are. It is your choice, the voice rumbled. I could hear the shrug in its voice. It did not care either way what I did, as if it already knew the outcome. Well I was no coward.
Opening my eyes, I unclenched my fist, took a deep breath, gathered my wits and powers around me and turned around. What stood in the middle of the field took the fire right out of me. Oh…my…god!
Standing proudly in the middle of the field on standing on all fours with its wings extended out to the side as to emphases just how huge it was, was a gigantic purple dragon. The smooth scales shimmered in the sun, telling me that there was just more than the color purple in its hide. The huge leather wings flexed, bringing my eyes to them as if that was what the dragon wanted. They too shimmered, but what drew my eyes were the talons at the top of the end knuckle, large enough to gut anything that tried to attack the thing.
I am not a thing, it snorted, steam coming from it nostrils.
At least two stories high with those talons on his wings and more on its feet, I realized calling a sentient being a thing was probably not the best of ideas. Neither was fighting it, which it had insinuated it was there for. To test me. As she stared at it realized there would be no running away from this creature.
Another howl, only this time it was a course of many wolves. The dragon settled its wings onto his back and settled its belly onto the ground, his muzzle slowly swinging back and forth as it look around it. They come. It looked at me. You are running out of time, little human. Make your decision.
“What decision?” I asked stepping out from the cover of the trees.
Whether or not you will be a pawn or if you will fight. The howls became more frantic as they came closer. Hurry, little human. They are coming.
“Who is coming? I don’t understand,” I yelled in frustration taking a few more steps closer to the large beast. “What do you want from me?”
The dragon regarded me for a moment before saying with a tone that echoed in my head and sent dread throughout my entire being, Your life.
The winter had been long and I was tired of it. Tired of it all. The bitter cold, the sleeping outside, the loneliness, and never knowing if I was going to live one day to the next let alone through the night. This war seemed to have gone on forever. The killing, the fighting, the disease, the death. If something didn’t change soon I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t walk away from it all. I didn’t even know what we were fighting for anymore. The reason seemed to have gotten lost over the years. Now…well now I was tired.
We were walking through the woods on our way to a small town that was rumored to have a safe house for those who wish for a warm bed and good food without fear of being shot. It did not matter what side you were on, everyone was welcomed. The one condition was no fighting. When you stepped through the threshold you left the war outside. A little piece of heaven in my world of hell.
Neither of us talked. My buddy was just as tired as I was. So it was with a profound silence that we trudged through the damp woods, each of us praying that we had enough strength to make it to our destination. I was about to call for a break when we broke through the treeline into a clearing. What we saw sitting in the middle stopped us in our tracks.
The deep rich mahogany was a stark contrast to the dead vegetation around it. At first glance the instrument look pristine, but as I squinted at it, still not sure I was seeing what I was seeing, I began to see scratches and dings. The big question that I knew was also running through my buddies mind was, what the hell was a piano doing out in the middle of nowhere?
Looking at my friend, I raised my eyebrows in question. He answered with a shrug of his shoulders. He had no clue either. Being we were in enemy territory, silence was the key to survival. This could also be a trap, but it had been so long since I had heard the sound of something as beautiful as music I could not resist the temptation the piano. Pulling my gun from my shoulder, I motioned my friend to follow. Grimacing he did as I asked.
Step by step we slowly made our way to the piano, each of us scanning the ground and treeline for any sign of danger, our rifle butts tightly against our shoulders, our fingers ready to squeeze the trigger at the moment danger reared it’s ugly head. When we reached the piano, my friend kept his rifle at the ready as I lowered mine and studied the piano for boobytraps. When nothing seemed amiss I motioned for him to that is was clear. Still vigilant, he moved closer to, glancing down as I slowly opened the lid to reveal the ivory keys. Unlike the rest of the piano that, on closer inspection, obviously had been sitting out in the elements for some time, the keys were pristine, the white and black shining in the waning light. I reached out to push one of the keys. His hand shot out stopping me. Pursing his lips he shook his head, clearly not wanting me to touch them. I saw his reasoning. On the outside it looked innocent enough, but on the inside…. Motioning him to stand back, I moved to the side and put my hand on the top of the piano. Taking a deep breath for courage, I slowly lifted the lid. When nothing exploded in our faces we both heaved a sigh of relief. Looking inside I did not see anything wrong. Quietly closing the lid I smiled that everything was fine.
Frowning, my friend once again moved to my side. We still had no clue as to why this piano was sitting in the middle of a clearing in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere. Again I reached out and touched one of the keys. To my surprise, the soft sound was in key. Moving so I was centered, I placed both hands on the keys and ran a sequence of chords. Every one of them were in key. I looked at my friend in surprise and again all he did was shrug. Unable to help myself I played a little tune my mother had taught me at a young age. One that always brought back memories of apple pie and milk. Of sitting around the table with family and friends laughing and eating. Memories I thought long buried under death and destruction. Suddenly the world did not seem like such a dark and dismal place. Suddenly I realized that one day I will have that warm safe feeling again. I would make sure of it.
My friend tapped me on the shoulder. Glancing at him, he pointed with his chin across the clearing, his rifle once again in his hands. Looking where he pointed, a small child stood at the edge of the clearing watching us. With a motion of his hand to follow, he disappeared into the trees. Curious as to why there was a child alone in these dangerous woods, we cautiously followed. Maybe he was the trap. Even so, leaving a small child alone and unprotected did not sit well with either of us.
What we found shocked us. The piano was not a trap, but a test. If we just passed it by without touching it we would be allowed to pass unharmed. If we destroyed it then we too would have been destroyed. By playing it, we showed those who were watching that we might be able to be trusted with the biggest secret of this unending war. That we could be brought home.
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
This is to a response to Kellie Elmore’s FWF prompt on her website Magic in the Backyard.
We have all had to say goodbye.
Whether through a death,
a breakup or moving away.
Or to an era of our lives
we’ve had to move on from.
Which goodbye was your hardest?
Saying goodbye to someone close to you is never really easy. Especially when you are not sure if you will see that person again. I remember taking my best friend of 40 years to the airport. She had moved away from Washington quite a few years ago, ending up in Texas. I hadn’t seen her in years, and even though we talked on the phone quite a bit, watching her walk away was one of the hardest things I had ever done. It took all I had not to burst out balling because I was not sure that this was the last time I would see her. After all it had been over 15 years since the last time, and life is so fickle. Happily we have seen each other since and hopefully she will be moving closer soon. But for how hard that had been, there is one that still sends me to my knees.
There are many different goodbyes. The goodbye as everyone heads off to work followed bye everyone heading home. The goodbye until next time we see each other. The goodbye of a relationship gone bad. The goodbye of a chance meeting or someone you may have had business dealings. Some get easier, some don’t. Most you know you will probably see again. It’s that goodbye where you know you will never hear their voice or see their smile again that is the hardest. That is the one that will tear your world apart leaving you scrambling to make sense of what had just happened.
I have had a lot of loss in my life. I believe that when a person leaves this world I will see them again, eventually. That there is a place where we all come together once again. Too many times I have heard those on their deathbed asking why someone who had passed why they were there. Some may think this is the mind losing what little sense it had, but I don’t believe that. Every time saying goodbye is just as hard as the last because I know it will be sometime before I see them again and I will miss them terribly. The hardest, however, came suddenly and far too early.
In July of 2005, my niece, who was going to turn seven the following month, was killed in a boating accident. I won’t get into details because it will just start a rant that will do nothing but get me worked up over something I cannot change. I will say that it was senseless and the repercussions were felt far and wide. My sister worked and I was lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom, so from three months on I babysat both my nephew and niece. They were like my own children. That first week was a haze and at the same time there were instances that were clear as a bell. And even though there was a funeral (400 people came to show their support. 400! That tells you how many lives this six year old touched) where we are supposed to have closure and say goodbye, it really is never enough. I still feel her with me, see her in my dreams when I miss her the most. As the years go on she is here less and less because to some extent I have come to terms with her loss. Still, I will never say goodbye, not really, because I know I will see her again. Even if there are days her loss brings me to my knees.
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
This write is a response to Kellie Elmore’s prompt on her website Magic in the Backyard.
To See What I See 