You breath through me
Taking what is not yours.
Twisting it
Turning me into something I am not.
I try to banish you
Return to that which is me.
Yet at every turn you defeat me
Pulling me under
Drowning me in your rage
Your obsession
Your sorrow.
You are lost
So I must be lost with you,
But you will not win.
I will rise.
I will become who I am suppose to be.
I will break free
And you will burn
In the hell you have made.
I will rise
And you will lay at my feet
Broken
Forgotten
Never forgiven
Always alone.
I will rise.
Reoccurring dreams. I had one last night. This is a new one, by which I mean in the last fifteen years or so. Not from my younger years. It never finishes and always leaves me uneasy. I also don’t remember all of it. They say that dreams can be your subconscious trying to figure something out that is bothering you or you’ve put on the back burner and now it has time to mull it over. I’m not sure with reoccurring though. I did have one that was rather disturbing that I had through my teen years. It was always the same, bloody, stressful with an ending that left me exhausted and haunted even after I woke up. There was a person, male, that was what I would call one of the leaders, but his face was never clear so I never knew who he was. It was not until I actually met that person (Yes, you read that right. Met. Not already knew.) when I was nineteen that the dream finally stopped haunting me. How I knew was because I had the dream one last time and the face was finally clear. I actually have that one written down somewhere.
The one I had last night is not as bloody, but it was stressful. I am seeing through someone else’s eyes. So it is me, yet it is not, living through this dream. We are in danger. Someone, or ones, are wanting something that we have. A person that can change the tide if they capture him or her. I know who it is, even though I don’t think I’m suppose to. The people in control don’t know I know, and that in itself is a danger. We are crowded in a room that looks a lot like Greek ruins, with stadium like seating but small. I see a male seated up towards the top that I recognize and there is a very strong connection, yet I don’t want him to know I am there. We lock eyes but there are too many between us so we are stuck where we are. I try not to make eye contact again, ignoring him, but I feel his eyes on me. This is not good because if the wrong person notices that will bode ill for us.
We are in water. The channel that is in between the island where I have a cabin and the next so it is familiar, but the water is smooth, calm, no current. Almost like a lake. There are many of us and we are in the middle treading water. It is warm. The first time through the dream (I went through it many times because it never resolves itself, looping at the end over and over until I finally wake up in an attempt to get out of it, only to fall back into it) there are shark fins and we all scramble to get to shore before someone is attacked. The second, or third, I’m not sure, time I keep waiting for the fins, but none come. It makes me even more nervous because I don’t know what will come next. By now I know it’s a dream so I try to change it, make it do what I want. It doesn’t work.
Then it switches to a room. At least I think it is a room. This is where the dream keeps looping and blurs together, never ending, never clear and never going the way I think or want it to go. It’s very frustrating. That male that was in the beginning is there along with others, although he seems to keep to the shadows, always watching. There is some arguing, people telling me that I can’t have what I want and I refuse to listen. Trying again and again to make it right because they are wrong. They have to be wrong.
I woke tired, confused and frustrated because it would not end. Until it does I don’t think it will ever stop haunting me. There is more, but the images keep slipping through my fingers as I try to remember them. Now it is mostly feelings and knowing that it is not over. It may never be over.
“I know what you are thinking,” whispers through the air.
“No you don’t,” I say unsure.
“I know how you feel,” the silky voice breathes.
“You can’t!” I yell spinning around, peering into the murky mist.
“Can you live with your choice knowing the cost? The people you will hurt?”
My silence is greeted with a flash of light, a reflective surface, an image I know too well.
“Will you be able to look upon yourself with pride when others see you with disdain?”
I turn away from those eyes filled with anger, arrogance, and, to my disconcert shame.
“I have done no wrong!” I growl defiantly.
“I see your mind and it is deceiving,” the voice slithers in the inky blackness.
“You lie!”
“Do I?”
Tense silence fills the air.
“Who are you?” I whispered fearfully.
“I am the one who will condemn without reservation, who will haunt your waking dreams!” the voice booms. “I am judge, jury. Executioner!”
Wind whips around me, past sins screaming for absolution, beating at my already battered soul. Covering my ears I try to run, but it is no use for the voices follow, unrelenting.
“You can run, but you can never hide, for we will follow through the edges of time! Speak now and right the wrong or pay the price for a deed black as it is cold.”
“Never!” I scream. Fist clenched, feet apart, I stand my ground, the wind of past sins suddenly silent. Conviction strong, I raise my eyes and voice to the heavens. “If I must pay for returning that which was given freely, then so be it. My conscious is clear.”
“So be it. The choice is made, No turning back. What once was whole is now undone. What once was love now hate is strong. May the Gods have mercy, for the light within is now gone.”
I was swept away
could not see
the danger that surrounds you,
surrounds me.
Emotions are high
as each word lies are bared.
The world spins out of control
betrayal runs deep,
time is not on our side
evil lurks in misty shadow
waiting
biding its time.
For evil that hunts us
knows the opportunity will come
when our defenses are weak
when our eyes see none.
Then at his mercy we will be
our end is his goal.
Our fate in the hands
of destiny’s cold hold.
The air is thick
with days gone by.
Emotions drained
nothing left to hide.
I wander these hills
seeing nothing of worth,
for the only the living
can feel the sun’s warmth,
the heartbeat of the earth.
I see you
through the smoke and mist.
I reach for you,
grasp for a life long past.
Aching to touch,
to hold,
all that is lost to me,
while watching it slip through my fingers,
dissipate into haunting memory.
We laugh,
we love,
we live life
day to day.
Never wondering what would happen
if it was suddenly
taken away.
I walk these hills
lost in grief’s crushing hold,
never to hear your heartbeat,
never to be warm.
I never really know where some of my poetry comes from. Sometimes it is a book I am reading, or a song that I am listening too. Most of the time the inspiration comes from a book I am working on. I become so engrossed in the characters that I am writing that they have to have some other way to express their emotions that won’t work in story form so it comes out in a poem. Sometimes, and when this happens the words are difficult to write, it is an emotion I thought worked out that has come back to haunt me. When it comes to grief it tends to be a little of both. What I happen to be writing at the time and a memory that pushes itself to the surface because I am using my own experiences to try and put as much feeling and emotion as I can into that particular scene. I think this one is a little of both.
I fade away
into darkness’s light.
My words are gone
to where I know naught.
I try to find
what my mind seeks
unable to say
unable to speak.
The words are there
though faded they be.
When will my mind clear?
When will the words be released?
I see you beside me
one I once called friend.
Our differences too large
the chasm between us wide and deep.
The world survival depends on heroes
to keep peace divine,
but when hero’s are divided
peace will falter,
stumble and fall.
With stealth and cunning
our foes rise up,
take advantage of weakness
use distrust to cleave alliances,
and the world crumbs
while spirits are crushed.
The ultimate chaos rises in the flames,
with smugness bore from triumphant
utters,
“I am free,
and I have no strings
on me.”
I was looking through my many composition/journal books where I keep my ramblings, story ideas, chapters that I hand wrote before typing into the computer and the odd dreams or two. I came across this reoccurring dream and thought I would share. I’m not sure why I have this dream. It comes in spurts, more times when I was younger, and I have no idea why I have this dream. Just that it is very vivid and I am usually exhausted in the morning. This is not edited, much. I wrote it down as I remembered it, and as in most of my dreams, it may be disjointed, strange. So please, bear with me.
Anyway, here it is……
Four people all hiding who they really were, what there powers are. Two main characters are good guys hiding in the town by false identities. One bad guy, not hiding but threatens to expose the males if the girl with them does not choose him. It is in a town that is familiar to me, with stores, a main street and houses in the surrounding area, yet is a lot busier than normal. The male does not know about the deal she has made, but he does know there is a threat. That his enemy is ready to destroy his and his friend’s world if they do not give him what he wants. But there is no choice. The good male will not give up the girl to someone as evil as his enemy. The girl has no choice if she wants those she cares about to remain unharmed. She accepts the terms of the agreement. She goes with the enemy and does not tell her friends or the man she truly loves. There is danger all around. Buildings are exploding and she is out saving innocents even though she is supposed to stay safe, hidden from the enemy. But she is eventually caught with a group of others and brought to the leader. The scene changes to a compound that is surrounded by a high concrete wall. The main building is made of concrete and large. A mix of warehouse and keep. There are men and women running around carrying weapons, yelling orders or for help as the sound of explosions can be heard all around. There is smoke and fire, yet within the walls it is contained, but above the wall she can see the glow of fire against the ever present smoke. Someone recognizes her and pulls her from the group to take to his leader. Her enemy lavishes her with gifts but she is still a prisoner and objects, no matter how pretty or how expensive, do not replace love. He won’t let her out of his sight, but she finally manages to allude him for a short period of time. Just for a few minutes of peace. No one can understand why she wants to escape him. Why she is unhappy when he gives her everything. She tires to explain but they do not understand.
This is where the dream ends. It never really seems to end. Just an endless loop that continues to circle around and around. Maybe someday I will understand….or not. 🙂 Have a wonderful day.
To See What I See 