It was nothing special

A look

A smile

A memory to sweet to forget

And I’m right back to that day

Where everything fell apart

When you were taken from me

And I was lost

The darkness swallowing me whole

Crushing me

until I could not breathe

When life

Stopped

© 2017 Heidi Barnes

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Sad Love Songs

Okay, so maybe my melancholy thoughts could be blamed on the fact I’ve been listening to a playlist I have dubbed Love Forsaken. Yeah.

So there are a lot of us out there that write to music. We have favorite albums or make up playlists. Or we just try and find that sound that clicks with what we are writing and go with it. When one of my favorite writers gets desperate and can’t find that right sound she turns on the Christmas music. I did try that once. Can’t write a love, angry or fight scene to Christmas music. Just can’t do it. 😛

Anyways, the scene today wasn’t necessarily a love scene, but I needed that feeling of angst in order to put the right words down to convey right feeling. This playlist, as all of my playlists, is work in progress. I’m sure I’ll remember some more songs that need to go into it. Here are the ones I have now.

Say Something by A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera
Show Me the Meaning by Backstreet Boys (Yes, I am reaching deep into my past for some of these, which reminds me….)
Stay by Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko
Wide Awake by Katy Perry
Hello by Lionel Richie
Rise by Katy Perry
Father Figure by George Michael
Grenade by Bruno Mars
Unconditionally by Katy Perry

And last but not least Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts. This particular song it about a break-up, but the video is something much different. If I have the song playing in the background I can make it through without dissolving into tears. The video not so much. If you watch it you will see why. This particular video hits far too close to home. I will say my dad is still very much alive and leave it at that. If you decide to watch the video you will understand that some pains will fade with time and might even disappear. Others…others only stay hidden until the right memory, the right picture or the right song comes along and opens that jagged wound that barely holds itself together to once again overwhelm you as if it were the first day.

Time for some Kleenex.

Here is the link for the video on YouTube if you care to take a look. Here Comes Goodbye.

It’s time for me to get back to writing. Have a good weekend.

Loss Overwhelming

my feet drag
words will not
come
I am lost
wandering aimlessly
a shell
eyes refuse to
focus
I don’t know how
to go on
the ground
is my bed
hard
unforgiving
cold
I don’t know how
to breathe
reaching out
touching
air
curled around myself
I give in
there is no end
only pain
only vast
everlasting
emptiness

Copyright © 2017 Heidi Barnes

Goodbye – #FWF

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We have all had to say goodbye.
Whether through a death,
a breakup or moving away.
Or to an era of our lives
we’ve had to move on from.
Which goodbye was your hardest?

Saying goodbye to someone close to you is never really easy. Especially when you are not sure if you will see that person again. I remember taking my best friend of 40 years to the airport. She had moved away from Washington quite a few years ago, ending up in Texas. I hadn’t seen her in years, and even though we talked on the phone quite a bit, watching her walk away was one of the hardest things I had ever done. It took all I had not to burst out balling because I was not sure that this was the last time I would see her. After all it had been over 15 years since the last time, and life is so fickle. Happily we have seen each other since and hopefully she will be moving closer soon. But for how hard that had been, there is one that still sends me to my knees.

There are many different goodbyes. The goodbye as everyone heads off to work followed bye everyone heading home. The goodbye until next time we see each other. The goodbye of a relationship gone bad. The goodbye of a chance meeting or someone you may have had business dealings. Some get easier, some don’t. Most you know you will probably see again. It’s that goodbye where you know you will never hear their voice or see their smile again that is the hardest. That is the one that will tear your world apart leaving you scrambling to make sense of what had just happened.

I have had a lot of loss in my life. I believe that when a person leaves this world I will see them again, eventually. That there is a place where we all come together once again. Too many times I have heard those on their deathbed asking why someone who had passed why they were there. Some may think this is the mind losing what little sense it had, but I don’t believe that. Every time saying goodbye is just as hard as the last because I know it will be sometime before I see them again and I will miss them terribly. The hardest, however, came suddenly and far too early.

In July of 2005, my niece, who was going to turn seven the following month, was killed in a boating accident. I won’t get into details because it will just start a rant that will do nothing but get me worked up over something I cannot change. I will say that it was senseless and the repercussions were felt far and wide. My sister worked and I was lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom, so from three months on I babysat both my nephew and niece. They were like my own children. That first week was a haze and at the same time there were instances that were clear as a bell. And even though there was a funeral (400 people came to show their support. 400! That tells you how many lives this six year old touched) where we are supposed to have closure and say goodbye, it really is never enough. I still feel her with me, see her in my dreams when I miss her the most. As the years go on she is here less and less because to some extent I have come to terms with her loss. Still, I will never say goodbye, not really, because I know I will see her again. Even if there are days her loss brings me to my knees.

Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes

This write is a response to Kellie Elmore’s prompt on her website Magic in the Backyard.

Pain So Deep

Haunting lyrics
Fill the air with
Sweet melody.
Heart squeezes tight
As memories swallow whole.
Barely healed scars
Open wide
Bleeding anew.
Pain washes over
Darkness acends.
Time may heal
But some wounds will always weep,
Ever close to the surface
Ready to tear at moments notice
To begin again
Raw and deep.

@ 2014 Heidi Barnes