Time Stands Still

How do I go on
when all seems lost?
How does each day begin
and end
when time seems to
stand still?
When to step outside
to see what the world offers
what life can give
the ups
the downs
the in-between
seems like a step into
I watch from hidden windows
that one day I can break free
from this pain
that keeps me
drags me under
so once again
I can see a horizon
I can breathe
I can take that step
and live.

Copyright © 2018 Heidi Barnes


Feelings so deep
threatening to overwhelm
nowhere to show them
nowhere to run
how do I express
when I don’t understand
what I want
what I need
what I feel
how do I overcome
the unknown

Loss Overwhelming

my feet drag
words will not
I am lost
wandering aimlessly
a shell
eyes refuse to
I don’t know how
to go on
the ground
is my bed
I don’t know how
to breathe
reaching out
curled around myself
I give in
there is no end
only pain
only vast

Copyright © 2017 Heidi Barnes


Looking in
unaware I am there
wanting to be where you are
never enough
can’t live without
can’t live within
reaching for what once was
fingertips brushing air
forever out of reach
– Jamie: Fated to Be

Copyright © 2017 Heidi Barnes

No More

Nexus Desktop: Chaos Lost

Darkness surrounds me
threatens to consume
at ever turn.
Make me into something
a mother would spurn.
I try to fight it
with thoughts of love
all that is good in life,
but despair is ever my bane,
taking that which was once good
turning it into hatred
burning hot
Beware of creatures
living deep within,
claws sharpen
teeth gnashing,
sinking deep into flesh
releasing poison
to blacken souls,
rendering chaos
before taking flight.
Hold onto the light
grasp with both hands
cling to hope with desperation
or darkness will consume
life until with one blink
existence is
no more.

Copyright 2017 Heidi Barnes

Light in the Darkness

It seems to come in spurts. Loss is never easy, but when you lose more than one person in a short period of time it’s hard to see the light for the darkness.

In the town where I grew up, in a twenty-four hour period there has been a loss of three people that have touched many lives. One of them a classmate of mine. Suddenly mortality is front and center. If someone I knew as a child, is the same age as I am, is now gone. When will it be my time? When will I suddenly not be here? Makes one stop and think, have I done everything I want to do? Have I told those that I love that I love them recently? Another is a classmates mother. That is luckily something I have not gone through yet, but at the moment scares me. I am not ready to lose a parent. It was hard enough when my grandmother passed.

I know this is slightly depressing for the holidays, but even though loss  can be devastating, can surround you with darkness and pain, the light is always there. You just need to look for it, search high and low until you see a glimmer and then hold on for all it’s worth. Even though it can feel like it, life does not end, it does not stop just because a loved one has moved on. You must still live yours. Do it as best as you can. Where the pain never really goes away, and it can come back and knock you to your knees unexpectedly, it does become manageable.

There is light in the darkness. Find it and live on.

Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes

Keep Moving

Desktop Nexus: Surrender

and still you
rise from the ashes
of defeat to fight
another day.
Courage has nothing to do
with determination.
We all have demons,
we all at one time feel
even if we do not admit it to others
to ourselves.
Take a moment
catch your breath.
I will not judge or criticize
It is not my place.
All I ask is that,
in time,
you pick yourself up,
brush off the dust that is your pain
and try again.
Never forget
never diminish
what you have endured.
It will make you who you are.

Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes