I try.
Every day,
I try.
Yet,
it’s never enough.
I see what I want,
feel the rush of love
a warmth that envelops me
soothes me
lifts me.
Yet,
I cannot reach you.
Don’t you feel it too?
Can’t you see
all I want is for you to feel
what I know is true
what is real.
Fly with me.
All you have to do is
open your eyes and
see.
© 2021 Heidi Barnes
Sometimes you have to embrace the pain
or it will consume you.
For there is some pain
time will not heal
only dull
until one day
it consumes you again.
My mind is a jumble.
I don’t know who I am
where I should be
what purpose I have.
The world uncertain,
I stare at nothing
while seeing everything.
Do I throw caution to the wind,
live without care or worry
or shall I stay trapped
within my fears
too timid to see
who I really can be?
No one can help me
but me
for it is my decision
to be.
© Copyright 2020 Heidi Barnes
Well, I’m not sure if the first one was an actual project. Seven yards of compost on all the gardens in April. Eight yards of dirt around the yard and filling in the round bed in May and a lot of Preen in those areas that I don’t want things growing. (Spring Project) While compost is usually a bi-yearly job for most, I haven’t put any down in a very long time, and you could tell. Now everything is growing wonderfully. I do think the two or three weeks of hot sunny weather we got om April helped a lot. We usually aren’t in the 80’sF that early. It also meant a wet cold spring. Well, actually the cold went until halfway through July. Nice and hot now though. We still have some areas where the grass is having issues, but we plan on reseeding in the fall.
For project number two, we decided to put a Pergola on the hot tub pad. When we moved in there was a hot tub under an eighty foot cedar tree. While I loved the hot tub I did not like the spiders or the mess, even with a lid, in the hot tub. It was also old, so after a few years it decided that it wasn’t going to work anymore. So it went bye bye not to be replaced. The tree was damaged in a huge storm and had to be cut down before it fell down. So since then the pad has been tiled, untiled, then black rubber squares that you piece together we bought a Costco. Something to make it not look like a giant square of cement.
What is great about this product is that it covers a multitude of issues. Like all the grout we were too lazy to chip off. It worked until we finally figured out what to do with the space. After a few years the black rubber comes off and we spend hours annoying the hell out of the neighbors and every animal within a mile radius by grinding all the grout off. (By we, I mean my husband. he he he) But now we have a clean slate. Time to put up the Pergola we bought off of Amazon.
This product is engineered. We wanted something like our deck where we did not have to worry about staining and rot.
Although under the posts there are wood 4×4’s that are bolted into the cement to hold it up.
Then you wrap those posts with wood so the sleeves you slide over these posts do not wobble.
After that it’s a puzzle you put together. As you can see we also re-tiled the floor with lite non-slip tile that has a wood look to it.
Then we added lights and furniture we already had for the space. Now all we need is the world to return to normal so we can have a party! *sigh*
On to the next project so we can keep some semblance of sanity as we try to survive the pandemic!
Stay safe!
Heidi
© 2020
I see you
standing among the trees,
aware of the pain
surrounding you.
Uncaring that you
are its cause.
What are you waiting for?
Are you waiting for me?
Do you think I could forget?
Forgive?
The wisest of us are wrong.
Time does not heal all wounds.
It just wears you down
until the burden of pain
is too heavy to carry any longer.
Until one day the anger
the hurt
seems to fade away,
until I see you.
Does this mean I forgive?
No….
Forgiveness is a privilege
you have not earned,
may never earn.
Does this mean I forget?
Only for my sake
my sanity
will I dwell no longer
on memories wrought by selfishness,
by betrayal.
You, however, must carry the burden,
shoulder the pain
of what you have done.
I see you,
but do you see yourself
or do you walk the forest
blind to what you did,
what you are
what you have become?
Look into the mirror
tell me honestly
can you forget,
Can you forgive yourself?
Or will you continue
uncaring
of the pain you cause?
Copyright © 2020 Heidi Barnes
Spring sprung early this year, and with Covid 19 shutting everything down a lot if people were able to get ahead start in the yard work. I have posted a couple of projects. The seven yards of compost, the back corner with the shed that has filled in nicely.
Because seven yards of compost wasn’t enough, I ordered seven more yards of 3-way. (For those who don’t know what that is, it is a compost/top soil/sand mix.) Like the compost, when I ordered it it was sunny. When it arrived it was raining….. Sigh. So what I ordered this dirt for was to fill some holes in the grass that refused to grow and to also fill in an area of the garden that has slowly sunk down. Mostly due to weed pulling over the years and taking the dirt with them. Here is a picture of the before. It’s the path within the roundish bed. There are roots showing and the ground is rock hard. You can see where the rocks in the back are layered and holding in the dirt around the Rhody. It also goes down at the back of the patio.
Also, by a large stump we have the ground has sunk down about a foot.
You can see how much dirt I had already put in this area, and I wasn’t done. My husband also voiced his dislike of the rock boarder. To him it was too messy. To me it was a cheap natural fix for a problem. Every time I dug up a rock it went into the border. Ta da! Now I will admit when it comes to my garden that I have worked hard in for many years to make it look the way it does, I may be a little touchy when someone suggests a change. I know, for those who know me, what a surprise!
As it turns out he was right. (Don’t tell him I said that out loud.) It does look much better without the rocks.
We were going back and forth on what to put down for the path to help with the weeds – pavers, stepping stones, gravel – but the more we look at it the more we like the natural look. Yes, it will have weeds and maybe we will change our minds later, but for now I think it’s an opportunity to buy some more shade loving plants to soften up the edges. Such a hardship. 😉
Until next time,
Heidi
Oath bound
Naivete spoken
With wisdom
Time lost
Soul broken
Eternity stretches
Never ending
Love given
Not taken
Anger lashes
Inside crumbles
Must forsake
Must forswear
Redemption pleading
Forgiveness denied
Copyright © 2020 Heidi Barnes
I wanted to share something that happened last night because I’m still snickering over it. It was one of those moments when you are in say a library or a large meeting, and you try to keep your emotions inside because you don’t want to disturb the person next to you and you have an epic fail. One of those moments.
So last night, my husband and I had gone to bed and we were doing our nightly reading of different books. Currently I am reading J.R. Wards new The Black Dagger Brotherhood series book Sinner. J.R. Ward is one of my favorite writers. She holds no punches and neither do her characters. A couple I would love to reach in a slap sometimes …. coughcoughLassitercough … because of their antics or, as we all have from time to time, acts of stupidity. I cry and laugh with them. I have read all the books in this series, which are many, so know the characters well. Don’t panic! I will not give away any details or spoilers of what happened and who it happened too in this latest book. I just want to relate what happened to us while I was reading this one particular passage.
So we are laying there, quiet, each lost in our books. It hadn’t been very long when I started reading this one particular scene. As a writer, I know their are times when the words flow, what you see in your head write beautifully onto the paper. When that scene just clicks and it’s marvelous. Better yet, it’s when the reader can also see that clear picture in their head and laugh, cry or be angry at the same level you were when you wrote it. This particular scene was hysterical.
As I started reading it, I could picture that character so well. Know how he would react. See the scene with his expression and the villain’s expression as it played out. I tried. I really tried not to burst out laughing, but it kept coming out in small spats. My husband kept telling me to stop, that it was annoying, but I just couldn’t help myself. I offered to let him read it so he would know why I was laughing, but he grumpily declined. So silence ensued for about three seconds. Then we both starting laughing. Me because of what I was reading. Him because I was trying so hard to keep it in and failing. I was seriously in danger of having the giggles.
The next bout of silence lasted about 20 seconds. I finally was able to get myself somewhat under control, read past the line I had been stuck on to the next, when he burst out laughing. That was it. Giggles were on! I put my kindle down, tore off my glasses and completely lost it. And because giggles are contagious, so did he, and he didn’t even know why!
A few minutes later, and some coughing until I couldn’t breathe, I told him if he wouldn’t laugh then I wouldn’t. Finally, I was able to get past that scene with only a few little giggles and a couple of coughs.
I can probably blame some of it on the stress of the last month and a half, some of it on my husband, but mostly it was the author of the book I was reading and her wonderful writing. Can’t wait to see what happens next.
Stay safe!
Heidi
Copyright © 2020 Heidi Barnes
In these crazy, uncertain times, it’s hard to remember that there is a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel we are all traveling. It may be hard to see, but it is there. Somewhere.
As a Para-educator, we have had to weave through legal contracts to see just how we can help our schools, our teachers, and our students. Along with that we’ve had to learn new technology, which for some of us is very hard. I’m lucky in the fact that I have played around with some of the new ways of online communication that the quarantine has forced most of us to learn.
In my particular district we are are finally in the swing of online learning. It’s been confusing wading through the rules and requirements that change everyday as the district and government struggle through the chaos COVID-19 has made of our lives. One of the things I have to do in order to help my students is work through the videos and assignments that the teacher’s post every week. Today was Intro to Leadership. A class mostly filled with freshman along with a scattering of sophomores and juniors.
I was in this particular class (I’m not going to tell you the teacher’s name as he has no idea I am writing this. Although I may give him the link so he can read it. We’ll see.) Anyways, I was in this particular class for the first semester and was sad when I was pulled to help out in another class. Even though I have been in a Intro to Leadership class with a different teacher, it was a fun and informative class. It’s always interesting hearing students answer some of the questions posed. Remember, most of the kids are ninth graders so their life experiences are not as vast as an adults. (Although, I have to admit, some of the things said were downright scary! *shudders* ;))
Now for the reason I am writing about this. At this point in the class they are talking about Love and Kindness, focusing on the different kinds of love and do we truly understand what love is. What it means and how we use that one little word that means so much. As I sat watching the video the teacher had posted explaining the assignment and giving his monologue that normally he would give in the classroom, I thought, why isn’t this guy a motivational speaker? He speaks from experience, from knowledge and, most of all, his heart.
I’ll admit, it isn’t that hard to make me cry. I didn’t used to be like this, but when you’ve had a loss that completely destroys the foundation you’ve built your life around, crumbling it into fine dust, it does not take much to shake the barely pieced together foundation that you’ve managed to rebuild. No matter how many years have passed. But, dang it, he managed to once again bring the tears to the surface. Not bad you made me sad or angry tears, but good pulling at my heartstrings make me think that there is still good in this world tears. (I am getting better at keeping them from making a mess.) Why did he bring those tears? Because he is very passionate about his class, the students and the part of Leadership he is teaching, love and kindness. I just wish we would see more of it in the world. Some of the things I have seen, heard, over the last four years…. Well, that is a soapbox I’m going to stay off of for now.
Love and kindness. A concept that, in some places, seems to have gone by the wayside. Kinda of wish I could post his video so you can see what I am saying. He really would be an excellent motivational speaker, and we could all stand to learn a little love and kindness.
Stay safe.
Heidi
Copyright © 2020 Heidi Barnes
Morning everyone. I hope you are all staying safe and at home as much as possible. For those of you who are out working I thank you for putting yourselves out there to make sure the world keeps turning, albeit slowly, and we have food and supplies so we keep moving.
I have been keeping busy by editing and yard work. I thought I’d talk about the gardening because I have not done that much in the last couple of years.
This year I decided that I would finally put down compost on my garden beds. We also decided to bring in topsoil for those areas in the yard that need some help in growing grass or leveling. There are a few other things we’ve changed too. I’ll start with the back right corner of the yard.
This part of the garden has gone through many changes over the years. When we first moved in there was a play area and a few more trees. The only picture I was able to find of it was during one of our snow storms, but it gives you an idea what was back there when we moved in.
The boarder for this area was firewood. Not very safe or stable. So we had put in 4X4 pieces of lumber around the area to keep the pea-gravel in place. A few years later, when the kids had out grown it, we found that it was pretty rotten, so off it went to the dump.
Now what to do with it. Moving all that pea gravel was not high on my do to list so we decided to turn into a garden for my oldest. Through Grandma Frank, he had become very interested in growing his own vegetables. We put in a shed, water and fence to keep the critters out and four raised beds. All along the outside I planted a flowerbed to soften the edges. Unfortunately I could not find a picture of that phase of life, which lasted about five years. My son became too busy with school and work to be able to tend a garden. So we took down the fence and I put in large wine barrels to keep my few vegetables up off the ground in an attempt to keep the critters out. (Mainly slugs!) The first picture was taken when I decided that this was not going to work. Too much gravel and not enough pretty. The second is from the outside looking in when when everything is in bloom.
So I decided that the plants that surrounded the graveled area needed to be inside the gravel area. As I planted the plants I brought in soil to put in the hole as I placed each plant. As the years have gone by I have put a couple of layers of compost on top of the gravel to help. The one thing that stayed the same was the 4X4 boarder and the water, which I re-vamped to fit the new layout. I also added a few accessories.
Jump a few more years later and we decided that the wooden boarder was too choppy. That it needed to go to make for a softer edge, making it part of the yard instead of a separate entity. And here it is.
Aside from throwing down some Preen in hopes to keep the weeds to a minimum, the garden part in this area is done. There is still some gravel, but we are playing with the idea of putting down brick to finish it off. There is one item left over from the Garden Era. The rhubarb that is surrounded by brick because it originally was in a raised bed. I didn’t want to chance killing it by digging it up and replanting it.
So now, even though it is gorgeous outside, I am taking the day off from gardening and maybe working on some editing. Tomorrow I’ll be back out to finish the one bed that I did not have enough compost for, but has a wonderful array of weeds.
Have a great day and stay safe by staying at home.
Heidi
Currently Researching the Disaster of Pompeii in 79 A.D.
An Empyrean Cycle
Fiction, Nonfiction, and Poetry Journal
Mindfulness, Philosophy, Spirituality, Meditation, Awareness, Religion, Nature Photography
Layers Of Life
Novelist, Poet, Wordsmith
Excerpts from book writings :)
To See What I See 