It was nothing special
A look
A smile
A memory to sweet to forget
And I’m right back to that day
Where everything fell apart
When you were taken from me
And I was lost
The darkness swallowing me whole
Crushing me
until I could not breathe
When life
Stopped
© 2017 Heidi Barnes
Okay, so maybe my melancholy thoughts could be blamed on the fact I’ve been listening to a playlist I have dubbed Love Forsaken. Yeah.
So there are a lot of us out there that write to music. We have favorite albums or make up playlists. Or we just try and find that sound that clicks with what we are writing and go with it. When one of my favorite writers gets desperate and can’t find that right sound she turns on the Christmas music. I did try that once. Can’t write a love, angry or fight scene to Christmas music. Just can’t do it. 😛
Anyways, the scene today wasn’t necessarily a love scene, but I needed that feeling of angst in order to put the right words down to convey right feeling. This playlist, as all of my playlists, is work in progress. I’m sure I’ll remember some more songs that need to go into it. Here are the ones I have now.
Say Something by A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera
Show Me the Meaning by Backstreet Boys (Yes, I am reaching deep into my past for some of these, which reminds me….)
Stay by Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko
Wide Awake by Katy Perry
Hello by Lionel Richie
Rise by Katy Perry
Father Figure by George Michael
Grenade by Bruno Mars
Unconditionally by Katy Perry
And last but not least Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts. This particular song it about a break-up, but the video is something much different. If I have the song playing in the background I can make it through without dissolving into tears. The video not so much. If you watch it you will see why. This particular video hits far too close to home. I will say my dad is still very much alive and leave it at that. If you decide to watch the video you will understand that some pains will fade with time and might even disappear. Others…others only stay hidden until the right memory, the right picture or the right song comes along and opens that jagged wound that barely holds itself together to once again overwhelm you as if it were the first day.
Time for some Kleenex.
Here is the link for the video on YouTube if you care to take a look. Here Comes Goodbye.
It’s time for me to get back to writing. Have a good weekend.
One look
One utterance
and the devastation left behind
will forever
stain my soul
Copyright 2017 Heidi Barnes
It seems to come in spurts. Loss is never easy, but when you lose more than one person in a short period of time it’s hard to see the light for the darkness.
In the town where I grew up, in a twenty-four hour period there has been a loss of three people that have touched many lives. One of them a classmate of mine. Suddenly mortality is front and center. If someone I knew as a child, is the same age as I am, is now gone. When will it be my time? When will I suddenly not be here? Makes one stop and think, have I done everything I want to do? Have I told those that I love that I love them recently? Another is a classmates mother. That is luckily something I have not gone through yet, but at the moment scares me. I am not ready to lose a parent. It was hard enough when my grandmother passed.
I know this is slightly depressing for the holidays, but even though loss can be devastating, can surround you with darkness and pain, the light is always there. You just need to look for it, search high and low until you see a glimmer and then hold on for all it’s worth. Even though it can feel like it, life does not end, it does not stop just because a loved one has moved on. You must still live yours. Do it as best as you can. Where the pain never really goes away, and it can come back and knock you to your knees unexpectedly, it does become manageable.
There is light in the darkness. Find it and live on.
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
Desktop Nexus: Shaiya Light & Darkness
Foolish child
you play a game
you have no hope
of winning.
I will own you.
Your mind,
your body,
your soul.
You have given me
everything,
and received
nothing.
And for what?
Love perceived
from demon spawned?
How pathetic.
How splendidly
naive.
Desktop Nexus: Darkness
As for you
my faithless pawn,
freedom is yours.
Though earned it
you have not.
Do not waste
what you once discarded
so carelessly.
Take one more look
at the price
that was paid,
for true love
will never again
come your way.
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
This is a poem/story that came to me while driving and listening to Phil Collin’s, In the Air Tonight. Where it has seemed to take on a mind of it’s own, as with all stories, that first initial push to write furiously has slowed down. So I will post as soon as my stewing and listening to the song repeatedly give me inspiration. If you have just found this story, here is the link to Part 1. I hope you enjoy.
Desktop Nexus: Shape of my heart
I do not care
his sins.
They have no hold
over me,
nor will they
have any hold
over him.
I choose him.
To hold him,
love him,
free him.
Take your token,
keep your promise.
I chose to embrace darkness
so he can see the light
within.
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
This is a poem/story that came to me while driving and listening to Phil Collin’s, In the Air Tonight. Where it has seemed to take on a mind of it’s own, as with all stories, that firs initial push to write furiously has slowed down. So I will post as soon as my stewing and listening to the song repeatedly give me inspiration. If you have just found this story, here is the link to Part 1. I hope you enjoy.
Desktop Nexus: Fantastic winter forest shadows at night
The choices we make,
chances we take.
Right or wrong
is the cost worth
the price?
Some wait in the wings,
watching,
judging.
Never taking that first step.
The fear of the unknown,
of being alone,
to great.
Waiting for someone else
to give them direction,
strength.
All the while hating,
despising,
those with courage,
a will of their own,
perceived freedom
to be alone.
Not understanding
while fearless outside,
the same doubt,
fear
dwells within.
The choice is,
will always be,
give into those fears,
remain in the darkness,
allow others
to own your soul,
or break free.
Live
Love
Make those choices
on your own.
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
This is a poem/story that came to me while driving and listening to Phil Collin’s, In the Air Tonight. Where it has seemed to take on a mind of it’s own, as with all stories, that firs initial push to write furiously has slowed down. So I will post as soon as my stewing and listening to the song repeatedly give me inspiration. If you have just found this story, here is the link to Part 1. I hope you enjoy. 🙂
Desktop Nexus: Darkness
*Laughter fills the night.*
He knows nothing of love.
Cruelty
Pain
Death
These are what he is,
what he is made of.
Do you think you,
a mere human,
can change the
unchangeable?
Demon spawned,
born of darkness and hate.
He will never see the light,
will never know how to
love
Although…
he may know freedom.
If you give me a
gift.
One that you treasure most.
Give it to me freely
and I may
…consider
releasing him from his bonds.
Just a small token
is all I ask.
Will you acquiesce
or is your love not worth your
life?
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
This is something that came to me yesterday while driving. I was listening to Phil Collin’s In The Air Tonight. I let it simmer overnight and began writing this morning with that song playing in the background. The poem seems to have taken on a life of its own. What will her answer be?
Desktop Nexus: Kiss
To embrace darkness
is to be lost.
I do not wish to be lost
yet I will not give you
what you want.
There is no hatred in my heart,
no guilt to be found
for none has been earned.
I came here
free of will.
I chose to follow
that which you do not have.
I chose to follow
my heart.
I chose love.
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
This is something that came to me yesterday while driving. I was listening to Phil Collin’s In The Air Tonight. I let it simmer overnight and began writing this morning with that song playing in the background. The poem seems to have taken on a life of its own. We will see where it goes, together.
Do not judge what you cannot see
What lies at the surface
is only the beginning
It’s what lies underneath
that counts
It’s what lies underneath
that is joyful
angry
in pain
Do not judge what you cannot see
unless you want to be judge
so callously
Copyright 2016 Heidi Barnes
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